In November

 In November I'll mark the 9th anniversary of my wife's death and our 14th wedding anniversary. Grief counseling was worthless. A lot of blather about "moving on" and "new life" and "new horizons".  I have a new life by default. It's bearable and what I have to live for isn't human. Humane but not human. I seem to be always on the edge of an emotional breakdown. The loss is enduring and incurable. There is no recovery. I think sometimes that I have PTSD, due to the circumstances surrounding my wife's death. Some images are burned into my brain. All of the usual formulas and mantras people recite in order to cope are drivel. Worthless. Time doesn't heal. What I really want is what I lost. I will always find the past preferable to the present. The less said about the future the better. 

Today we start to get the benefit of a little heat relief and tomorrow it will be more noticeable. And rain chances improve quite a lot. I was productive yesterday. I'm still able to maintain the status quo. Change is unavoidable, of course, but I fight to resist and I refuse to accept. Each and every day I curse the world and the way of the world-- I damn what is. I call it an abomination. For me, that's therapy. Makes me feel better. I know where I stand. I hold my ground. 

NOT Over!

 Of course, I refer to the World Cup nonsense. I guess the wannabe jocks, worthless for the most part and as athletic as a bucket of lard, like watching stuff like that, in the sports bars and at home, sitting for hours and only rising up occasionally for another beer, more snacks, and to pee and shit. That's about as athletic as it gets for the average American. Soft. Very soft. But watching sports on TV makes them feel "manly". Talking about sports makes them feel "manly". But real exercise? Pumping iron? Running? Working up a sweat? Feeling the burn? Probably not. 

But that's really none of my business. I attend to my business and you attend to yours and never the twain shall meet. I have no use for couch potatoes. I have no use for drunks. I have no use for the self-indulgent and undisciplined. And so it goes. 

And it's not over yet. Something tells me that there will be a shock in the near future. It hasn't gotten real yet, but I suspect that it will. 

Is It Over?

 I refer to the World Cup. I think it is finally over. What a waste of time and energy. Bread and circuses. Hot days continue here but a change this weekend is still in the forecast and next week looks mild with rain chances again. That's not unusual, to have a scorching June and early July and then the rest of the summer is moderate and wet. And maybe that's the way it will go. 

I enjoy reading my journals more than anything else. I'm in 1989. I know how things turned out. I know what was in my future. I read about my interests and concerns and activities in those days, and I know how problems were resolved and there are no unknowns. I like that. There were treats in store for me! Adventures I could not have imagined! There would be surprises and challenges, and I know how I would deal them and find a path. Always, I found a path. I WOULD find a path! I will continue to find a path. 

By this time, I can be sure of my ability to find a path. 

Morning Work

 Of course, time on the patio before sunrise, but after that-- work. All accomplished before the day's heat began to set in. After that, the weight bench and later the gym. I got a full tank of gas yesterday with twenty cents off per gallon and the timing was good. Needless to say, there is no peace, there is no deal, there is no victory. I don't understand what the July 4th revelers thought they were celebrating. I doubt that they could have given a coherent account. Most of them would probably flunk an elementary school exam on American history. I'm pretty sure that Mr. President would flunk an elementary school exam on ANY subject. I'm pretty sure that would also be true of his ardent followers. A few more hot days and the weekend will bring changes, or so the forecast goes. I hope that forecast is correct. One tires of the heat, day in and day out. 

Here's lookin' atcha.

Katie Halper

It Will Be Hot

 Yes, heat the rest of this week but relief on the weekend. Despite the heat, coffee on the patio this morning-- iced coffee, was enjoyable. Critter visits continue. I had three skunks out there one morning last week. Skunks are actually quite clean and inoffensive if you don't bother them. And they are not bothered by a mere human presence. I can see that they might be easy to tame. But I'm not going to do that. Sometimes I have a couple of racoons and sometimes a possum or two. This is vastly better than a human presence. Any human I'd find out there, would be a good candidate for a bullet. Trespassing is a big deal in Texas. And I do have signs posted. But I do like living on the edge of town, for all practical purposes. How I hate developers. I hope the development plague will never intrude upon my neighborhood. I still say, the only good developer is one with a bullet in his or her brain. I say that about a lot of people. Well well, we don't want to trend negative. I've consulted the I Ching with the eight coin method, and I understand something about my current state and what I'm engaged in. And I'm reminded of the middle path, the path of reason and moderation. And that is the path I must adhere to. Despite violent impulses. Self-control!

I have several options for the day's activities. This is not a gym day, so finding time will be no problem.