At this time of year we start getting transition scenarios as weak fronts move through. Even though last week treated us to cool mornings and cool late evenings, days were rather warm, too warm for my taste, but a weak system has brought clouds and lower temperatures. I like the transitions that take place as we approach October, the best of months. Late October is usually when we start getting a hint of the winter to come. My wife and I liked to participate in Trunk or Treat at our church, so close to us, and we enjoyed that greatly. Even though I am still a member of that church, memories of my late wife are so thick and strong there, that I can't go there anymore. It triggers a wave of grief, even after all these years. That grief will never go away. And I do not want it to go away. I do not think in terms of a "new beginning" and rejected all thoughts of such a thing very early in my "grief process". I didn't marry her so that someday I could have yet another new beginning. The only new beginning I want in my life is the one that began to take place when I met her, and one that evolved and grew during our married years. No more of that. You might argue that I have a sort of new beginning by default but it is minimalistic and it preserves as much of the past as I can. Probably I've become a bit bitter. So be it. Better to be a bitter and alienated surviving spouse than to assume the impossible burden of a new life with someone else. No thanks. Not now, not ever. If I rave from time to time, mark it down to Grief Derangement Syndrome. If there isn't such a thing I have just now invented it. It is real enough for me.
Those of us with GDS are inclined to say such things as: "Fuck life." It sums up how we feel.
